| Author | Message | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1042 Registered: 11-2003 |
Lost in the Ironworks Her room-mate washed and pressed her uniforms just in case. The scent of powdered sugar and waffles rose like a sultry cloud while she ironed and the answering machine screened calls that pounded through like the beat of a jukebox. Lost in the ironworks. Her friend could have been part of a Hansel and Gretel story. She trusted silver- eyed men like her father who sent the occasional post-card. Once she admitted to her room-mate, while the tattered slips of gray dawn clutched their windows like prying fingers, she had waited for a man while he sent his daughters off to church, leaving her an extra $10 for a cup of coffee. Lost in the ironworks. Time shook them and took them back unblemished on the shore of the flinty lake. She looked over his shoulder, deep into the distant trees and recalled the lake in ice, spinning and dancing by herself, while the blades of her skates caught fire in morning sun. The muscles of her calves were in flame with the effort to free herself. She told this story to her room-mate, filled the air between them with her charm and with her shame. Lost in the ironworks. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4208 Registered: 07-2001 |
Time shook them and took them back unblemished on the shore of the flinty lake. She looked over his shoulder, deep Good internal rhymes in the work. Not sure of the refrain, but maybe I do not understand it. As usual consider line breaks. Thanks. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2435 Registered: 07-2002 |
Laurie, This opening line gave me a chill: Her room-mate washed and pressed her uniforms just in case. A missing young woman? An understated and eerie tale. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1054 Registered: 11-2003 |
gary, I wanted something opposite a forest setting and lisa exactly you got it hon laurie | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 935 Registered: 11-2004 |
Laurie~ This is creepy... in a good way!! Ironworks! Gives me the shivers! take care~dale | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1060 Registered: 11-2003 |
thanks, yes, I usually revert to the forest and Ivan in fact, thought I should shake things up best wishes laurie | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1221 Registered: 08-2003 |
Yes it is unsettling! I think end on "and with her shame." The refrains do their job earlier.  E | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1209 Registered: 12-2003 |
Very fine work laurie, gee.. it gave me the chills too. There's some wonderful lines in this, just to pick two of many.. 'the tattered slips of gray dawn clutched their windows like prying fingers' and this.. 'in ice, spinning and dancing by herself, while the blades of her skates caught fire in morning sun' .. stunning work! lia | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 3418 Registered: 11-1998 |
Another visually stunning piece, Laurie. I was particularly drawn to the flaming blades in this section: "She looked over his shoulder, deep into the distant trees and recalled the lake in ice, spinning and dancing by herself, while the blades of her skates caught fire in morning sun. " Excellent stuff. Just a question -- shouldn't it be roommate (no hyphen). | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1063 Registered: 11-2003 |
emusing, thanks I think you are right lia, oh stop it, I can't keep up with you and you know it, the gingerbread girl and M yes, I think you are right about the hyphen laurie | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 564 Registered: 10-2003 |
Laurie, SOmething about the way you choosed the images, and the words that created a chilling piece. Hovers between gothic and domesticity, which for me was an excellent combination. Thanks, I enjoyed it immensely. Cheers Brethren | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1064 Registered: 11-2003 |
oh marty thanks not one of my favorite topics a missing person but you know my wild imagination peace laurie |
